By The Campfire

July 11, 2008

Dee and I were out on a shoot a while back, driving almost 600 miles in three days. We sweated and shot our way through Annapolis, Maryland and watched a freight train of a thunderstorm drop the 103º temperature by 20 degrees in a few minutes. The next day, in Rehobeth Beach, Delaware the sky was so blue you felt like Paul Newman was staring a hole through you. We kept driving and shooting. That’s when it got interesting.

We stopped shooting when we passed through Hardscrabble, Delaware. Just couldn’t do it. I stared at the sign and thought about all of the places with odd names I have visited over the years. Hardscrabble was a nice name compared to some of them.

Less than a month ago, I was just south of the town of Hell on the island of Grand Cayman. I have yet to pass through Crotch Lake, Canada or Looneyville, Texas, but I have been through some interestingly-named locations, like Eclectic, Shorter and Muck City, Alabama. It gets worse.

I can say with sick pride that I have also been through Assawoman Bay and Cockeyville, Maryland, Blue Ball, Delaware, Snapfinger, Georgia, Toad Suck and Greasy Corner, Arkansas, Chunky, Mississippi, Blowing Rock and Big Lick, North Carolina as well as the Texas towns of Ding Dong, Wink, Ben Hur, China and Uncertain. In Virginia, I have visited the lovely hamlets of Bagdad, Bumpass, Croaker, Frogtown, Goochland, Hurt, Nuttsville and Ordinary, which, on the day I was there, lived up to it’s name.

So what are people thinking when they name a place Big Ugly (WV), Blow Town (PA), Camel Hump (WY), Crackertown (FL) or Embarrass (WI)? I am sure there is some historic significance in naming a place Cheeseville (WI). That makes sense. Wisconsin. Cheese, I get it. But is it a cruel joke to name a place Boring (MD) or Difficult (TN)? Okay, to be fair, Dismal (TN) was taken, but still.

Who wants to have twins in Double Trouble, NJ, or play for a high school team (assuming they have one) in Defeated, TN? Can the football team in Rough and Ready, CA live up to their name? Do they have a lot of big horns in the marching band in Tuba City, AZ?

Does it seem like a good public relations move to name a town Dull (OH) or Little Hope (PA) or Liars Corner (OH)? I’ve actually been to a lot of places that could claim that last name.

Who wants to date a guy from Frankenstein, MO or Tiny, VA or Peculiar, MO? Who wants to write Frog Suck, WY or Lizard Lick, NC on their return address? Do you want to marry a woman from Hooker, OK unless you’re a guy from Hornytown, NC? Maybe Loveladies, NJ, but not Satans Kingdom, RI. Hell no.

Tell me, if you win the local beauty pageant in Hogjaw, AR, will you put that on your college app? How about Roachtown, IL or Porkey, PA or Nipple, UT? Probably not.

The last place you want to have a fender bender is in Lawyerville, NY. Imagine the neighbors in Rudeville, NJ or a block party in Prison Farm, MT or Odd, WV? Not me, sorry. I’d rather eat a trout from Stinking Bay, AR or buy a car in Suckerville, ME or get pulled by the cops in Spread Eagle, WI.

The next time a group of college frat boys take a road trip to Virginville, PA or a smartass cracks a joke in Smackover, AR or a drunk gets arrested in Beersville, PA, just remember – everyone has to be from somewhere. Just be glad you’re not from Booger Hollar, AR. Damn, people, does it get any worse than that?

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