By The Campfire

May 14, 2008

I started writing stories because of the pain. When I write, it doesn’t hurt as bad. Truth is, I never claimed to be a writer to begin with. Writers have associations, pedigrees, talent, and several other things I don’t possess. I try to tell a story. I look at the language more as a tool than a set of rules. This is not the kind of practice that makes English teachers happy.

I have a degree but I am no man of letters, alphabetical or otherwise, and I don’t belong to any writing or literary clubs or even the Rotary Club, but I don’t think that is my problem when it comes to a 0-3 record in the Style Weekly Writing Contests.

Style Weekly is the other Richmond newspaper. They are the Hatfields to the Richmond Times Dispatch’s McCoys. On a side note, I have actually met one of the McCoys, in New York City, of all places. But that is a better story than this one and I am saving it for the next Style Weekly Writing Contest that I probably won’t win.

I think I know why I can’t get a story into one of these competitions (beyond the fact that they don’t like my stories): I refuse to use the word “perhaps.” I even have to put it in quotations, as if it needs an enclosure to protect it from my other words.

I have never used that word in a story that I can remember. I have had a fundamental issue with the word since I learned to put one word in front of the other. It is not a problem with the word itself. It’s me. “Perhaps” feels so wishy-washy. It’s a contradiction to say that, I know, because I have used other wishy-washy words. I just can’t use “perhaps” in a story. It’s a perfectly fine word for other people to use, but I just can’t fold it into a sentence.

It’s genetic or hereditary, most likely. Maybe it’s trait, like red hair or blue eyes. No one in my family ever used the word when I was growing up, which is hardly an excuse, since they didn’t use a lot of the words I do find a way to slide into paragraphs. It seems a word that fits in more refined circles than I travel in.

I’ve never heard a farmer, plumber or truck driver use “perhaps.” Here, I’ll explain:

Trucker: “Breaker, breaker, one-nine, perhaps I’ll stop at the next exit and fill her up.”

Never happens.

“Perhaps you flushed a ham down your toilet and that was the problem,” said the plumber.

Again, no.

I can hear a doctor using the word. Professors have license to use it as well. It fits nicely in the mouths of lawyers and pharmacists. It just gets crossways in my typer. And I never use it when talking either. Perhaps I should start.

Argh.

To send comments or story ideas to Terry, click here

To return to the main blog page, click here

Opinions expressed here and in any corresponding comments are the personal opinions of the original authors, not necessarily of Big River and may not have been reviewed in advance by Big River.