bythecampfire-100406-fireants.asp

October 4, 2006

I am itching as I type these words. If you have ever lived in the Deep South, you've seen more than your share of fire ants. One run-in with a few of the devilish little ankle biters and you'll grasp the concept of the name quickly.

Fire ants are originally from South America. The first one showed up in the U.S. on a ship in Mobile, Alabama, in 1918 (his name was Ernestoohh). Calamine lotion was invented shortly thereafter.

These beasts are like ant kudzu, building their sneaky nests fast and furious --– furious being the key word. Step in one of their humble abodes and they will emerge ready to make like Lawrence Taylor after a weekend at a Richard Simmons conference.

Adding to the fiery conundrum, the miniature hell injectors have a keen sense of communication that allows the snarling pyro-arthropods to sneak into an intruder's pants and, when their numbers are sufficient to inflict a torso-full of itch, they all whistle and chomp down like a 50-gallon bucket

of pain. They are legendarily talented in delivering mind-altering doses of hurt.

Oddly, the fire ant has inspired celebrations all over the South. There's the Turner County Fire Ant Festival in Ashburn, Georgia; the Marshall, Texas, Fire Ant Festival; the Hilton Head Fire Ant Festival; and, in Austin, Texas, a Fire Ant Frolic Weekend. Such a deep identification with such a mean creature would seem to make for more opportunities than just a funky little festival. And that's my point.

Fire ants are scary. They strike fear in anyone who encounters them. When you consider that fire ants caused about 34,000 people to get medical help last year alone and stirred up around $2 billion in property and equipment damage in that same twelve-month period, you'd think that more Southern sports teams would use the ants to scare the pants off their opponents. Yet I cannot find even one team anywhere using this fierce rascal as its mascot.

Check out a grimacing and chewing Bobby Bowden on the sidelines of a Florida State game. Remind you of a particular multilegged, red menace? Here's your mascot.

At Alabama, it could be a Crimson Tide of fire ants, right? Makes more sense than a red elephant. I have never seen one real red elephant in Alabama. But there are more fire ants than Bear Bryant memorabilia.

Look closely at that Arkansas Razorback. Looks an awful lot like a raging fire ant to me. Texas A&M Aggies --– is that short for Agonies? With the fire ant on their helmets, it could be.

Let’s start a write-in campaign for the fire ants. The Demon Deacons of Wake Forest? Fire Ants would be better. If the Hokies were Fire Ants, swarming the punter would be an every-game block. Surely Wayland Baptist University in Plainview, Texas, could look to the mighty fire ant and lose the Flying Queens. Geez. The sports teams at Centenary College of Louisiana are called the Gentlemen. Are you joking?

Here's a list of active college sports team mascots that, in my humble opinion, a Fire Ant on a jersey would beat, stinger down: Anteaters, Koalas, Jumbos, Johnnies, Jimmies, Jennies, Jaspers, Ichabods, Tommies, Hustlin' Quakers, Hustlin' Owls, Herons, Hatters, Hardrockers (I'm serious), Governors, Gorloks, Golden Gusties, Geoducks, Dirtbags (Cal State U, baseball team, seriously, look 'em up), Bonnies, Black Flies, Battlin' Beavers, Moundbuilders, Muleriders, Nads (no joke, Rhode Island School of Design), Praying Colonels, Preachers, Skylights (say what?), Squirrels, Sugar Bears, Trolls ... and there's 69 teams that currently have no nickname at all. At least one of those 69 mascotless teams could step and make the Fire Ant legit.

My audacious goal is to get a team to adopt the Fire Ant before end of year. College sports and this animal need to get on Match.com, – hook up, make a love connection. It's going to happen. Stay tuned.

Read the Brand Garage discussion on the fireant.

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